Disliking oneself is a very common
consequence of the traumatic experiences. This often does not make sense to
either trauma survivors or those who live with them. What happened was not
their fault, why so much self-hatred? Let’s think about it together. Any
violence towards a person carries within it a very powerful message. When
violence is directed at me, it says to me “You are worthless and therefore
deserving of this kind of treatment” The more intense and/or prolonged violence
is, the more energy this message carries.
It often penetrates all kinds of self-defenses and touches the depth of
our being. After violence is over, we start repeating this message to ourselves
until we completely believe in it. What makes this situation very challenging
is the fact that both transmission of the message and its repetition happen on an
unconscious level, in the back of our minds.
Good news is that
since self-dislike is a learned response, it can be unlearned and a different
positive response may be acquired. If you would like to learn to treat yourself
better and have a more positive perspective on yourself, try one or more of the
following practices.
1.
Positive affirmations
Those are the brief and precise sentences that describe how you would like to see yourself in a more positive way. The trick is that they are formulated in a present tense. For example, “I am wonderful just the way I am” or “I love and accept myself” or “I am worthy” or “I deserve to be taken care of” and so forth. Develop three to four sentences. Write them on the notecards, sticky notes, your mirror, your phone. Repeat them as often as possible throughout the day.
At first, you probably would not believe any of those words. It may feel strange, awkward, even fake to say those things to yourself. But the more consistent you are in using those positive affirmations the more you will eventually believe in them.
Those are the brief and precise sentences that describe how you would like to see yourself in a more positive way. The trick is that they are formulated in a present tense. For example, “I am wonderful just the way I am” or “I love and accept myself” or “I am worthy” or “I deserve to be taken care of” and so forth. Develop three to four sentences. Write them on the notecards, sticky notes, your mirror, your phone. Repeat them as often as possible throughout the day.
At first, you probably would not believe any of those words. It may feel strange, awkward, even fake to say those things to yourself. But the more consistent you are in using those positive affirmations the more you will eventually believe in them.
2.
Loving Kindness Meditation with self- focusThis is a beautiful practice of wishing yourself well and sending to yourself all the healing and support there exists. There are a lot of different versions of it. Multiple tapes are available for you to listen to. I wrote about it in the January 2013 post. Here is an excerpt from it K
1) Choose several phrases that you will be working with (repeating) that start with “May I” and focus on wishing yourself well. Usually, meditation consists of 3-4 phrases repeated over and over again. If you find it difficult to come up with those phrases, here are some suggestions:
- May I be well
- May I love myself no matter what
- May I accept myself just the way I am
- May I be content
4.
Abstaining from self-harm
Directly related to a previous point, is the idea that self-harm promotes negative self-image and further deepens the belief that you are not good enough. Therefore, to improve your self-perception, it is important to abstain from it. I understand that inflicting pain on self, whether it is cutting, burning, hitting, pinching or something else, is often a way to cope. It helps to suppress more severe emotional pain or on contrary makes you feel something when you are in the state of traumatic numbness. Sometimes it is the quickest way to change a state. Sometimes it is a way to express how much you hate yourself. This behavior is very understandable in those who survived violence, and yet it has to be changed in order for you to start feeling better. Here are a few ideas on how to deal with the urges to self-harm. However, if it is an ongoing issue for you, I recommend that you find a therapist and start working with him/her.
1) when an urge to harm self presents itself, ask yourself a question “who am I angry at other than myself?” Then express your anger towards that person or situation in a non-hurtful way, such as journaling
2) if you cannot identify source of your anger outside of yourself or it feels dangerous, use softer/substitute methods of inflicting pain, such as holding ice-cubes in your hands or immersing your face in ice water for a few seconds; sometimes drawing lines with the red marker at the site where you want to cut or burn, helps to alleviate an urge;
3) call a trusted friend or a crisis number, such as 1-800-273-TALK to discuss how you are feeling;
4) get out of the current situation: step outside for a few breaths of fresh air, go to the park or to the coffee shop, distract yourself with something positive, such as uplifting book or a movie.
Give yourself time to process the idea
that you can change how you feel about yourself. Give yourself time and space
to practice the aforementioned techniques. Be patient like you would with a
baby, who is just learning how to walk. Remember you will not smack the baby or
call it worthless, when it falls down. So, extend the same kind of kindness to
yourself. After all, you are just learning or re-discovering how to be good to
yourself.
2) After you identified and wrote down the phrases you are going to use, find
a quiet place, where you will not be disturbed by anyone or anything. Sit in a
comfortable position, such as with your legs crossed on a cushion or in the
chair or on the sofa. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing for a few
moments. Notice how you breathe air in and how you breathe it out. Then
visualize yourself surrounded by white or yellow light. Feel the warmth of
light on your skin. Enjoy the sensations. Now start saying the phrases that you
identified out loud or silently in your mind. Pause after each sentence and
connect to the wish it contains. Maintain awareness of your breathing and
picture of yourself surrounded by white light. Spend 3-5 minutes repeating the
phrases. Repeat this practice daily.
Note that for the first couple of months wishing yourself love and acceptance may feel false or wrong. Some parts of you may think that you don’t deserve all of those things. It’s OK. You don’t have to believe in what you are saying to get positive results. Additionally, the more often you practice this meditation the more you will feel and believe in your worthiness.
Note that for the first couple of months wishing yourself love and acceptance may feel false or wrong. Some parts of you may think that you don’t deserve all of those things. It’s OK. You don’t have to believe in what you are saying to get positive results. Additionally, the more often you practice this meditation the more you will feel and believe in your worthiness.
3.
Treating self well
When you take good care of yourself and treat yourself well, you re-wire your mind to believe that you are a good person worthy of love. Even if you don’t feel like it, create a routine of basic care and follow it consistently. For example, every morning when you wake up, take a shower, brush your teeth, put on fresh clothes, and make a breakfast for yourself. Every evening put on fresh pajamas, light candles, and take a few minutes to read something inspiring before you go to bed. This is just an illustration. Listen to yourself and create a routine that feels good for you.
Take any opportunity to be good to yourself. When you make a mistake and catch yourself in a severe blaming or shaming talk, interrupt it and say something reassuring instead, such as “everyone makes mistakes” or “I can learn from it” or “if God wanted me to be perfect, he would have made me that way”. When you feel down, bad, lazy, crazy, say something supportive and uplifting, offer self a cup of hot tea or a hug. Treat yourself the way you would treat your dearest friend.
Remember that learning to treat yourself well is a work in progress. It may be challenging. You may feel like you are failing at it. You may forget and relapse. It is all OK. All of those things are a part of the learning process. You can always try again and you can build on the previous mistakes. That is a beauty of life. Every moment is a new and fresh start J
When you take good care of yourself and treat yourself well, you re-wire your mind to believe that you are a good person worthy of love. Even if you don’t feel like it, create a routine of basic care and follow it consistently. For example, every morning when you wake up, take a shower, brush your teeth, put on fresh clothes, and make a breakfast for yourself. Every evening put on fresh pajamas, light candles, and take a few minutes to read something inspiring before you go to bed. This is just an illustration. Listen to yourself and create a routine that feels good for you.
Take any opportunity to be good to yourself. When you make a mistake and catch yourself in a severe blaming or shaming talk, interrupt it and say something reassuring instead, such as “everyone makes mistakes” or “I can learn from it” or “if God wanted me to be perfect, he would have made me that way”. When you feel down, bad, lazy, crazy, say something supportive and uplifting, offer self a cup of hot tea or a hug. Treat yourself the way you would treat your dearest friend.
Remember that learning to treat yourself well is a work in progress. It may be challenging. You may feel like you are failing at it. You may forget and relapse. It is all OK. All of those things are a part of the learning process. You can always try again and you can build on the previous mistakes. That is a beauty of life. Every moment is a new and fresh start J
4.
Abstaining from self-harmDirectly related to a previous point, is the idea that self-harm promotes negative self-image and further deepens the belief that you are not good enough. Therefore, to improve your self-perception, it is important to abstain from it. I understand that inflicting pain on self, whether it is cutting, burning, hitting, pinching or something else, is often a way to cope. It helps to suppress more severe emotional pain or on contrary makes you feel something when you are in the state of traumatic numbness. Sometimes it is the quickest way to change a state. Sometimes it is a way to express how much you hate yourself. This behavior is very understandable in those who survived violence, and yet it has to be changed in order for you to start feeling better. Here are a few ideas on how to deal with the urges to self-harm. However, if it is an ongoing issue for you, I recommend that you find a therapist and start working with him/her.
1) when an urge to harm self presents itself, ask yourself a question “who am I angry at other than myself?” Then express your anger towards that person or situation in a non-hurtful way, such as journaling
2) if you cannot identify source of your anger outside of yourself or it feels dangerous, use softer/substitute methods of inflicting pain, such as holding ice-cubes in your hands or immersing your face in ice water for a few seconds; sometimes drawing lines with the red marker at the site where you want to cut or burn, helps to alleviate an urge;
3) call a trusted friend or a crisis number, such as 1-800-273-TALK to discuss how you are feeling;
4) get out of the current situation: step outside for a few breaths of fresh air, go to the park or to the coffee shop, distract yourself with something positive, such as uplifting book or a movie.
Some of you may doubt that loving yourself
is a goal worthy of pursuit. Isn’t it selfish? Haven’t we all be taught that we
need to focus on others before we focus on ourselves? These questions and
doubts are very understandable. Here is the way I came to view it based on my
years of experience of working with people. Belief that self-love is selfish
and therefore bad is a cultural myth. Unfortunately, this myth is wide-spread
and has perpetuated a lot of violence and suffering. When a person genuinely
loves themselves, they are a joy to be around. They spread positive energy and
infect others with love and compassion. They do not have any desire or motive
to harm anyone. They value human life. If everyone in this world loved
themselves, there would be no war, no hunger, no violence. In my opinion, coming
to accept yourself is the best gift you can give this world J
