How to care for self - part 3

    This last part of the self-care series is devoted to taking care of spiritual needs. Some folks may feel that it is not relevant to them and roll their eyes or skip this post altogether. However, all human beings are SPIRITUAL beings independent of their faith and religious affiliation or lack of it. We all share similar spiritual needs just like we share physical needs in sleep and food. We find different ways of attending to our spiritual needs.  At times we neglect them, because we are unaware or we don’t have time or it is too painful to tend to our spirit. This post will discuss our common spiritual needs and suggest some ways to meet them. It will also offer some direction for finding your own ways and practices to meet your spiritual needs.

     There are many different definitions of spirituality and spiritual needs. For the purposes of this article, I compiled my own definition based on multiple sources.  Spirituality is the individual’s search for connection with the Sacred, where sacred can be understood as something larger than oneself, different from the ordinary, not material, and worthy of veneration. For some people Sacred is equated with God, for others it is Universe or Nature or World or Community.

     According to Dr. Galek and her colleagues’ research published in 2005, there are seven major spiritual needs: (1) love, belonging, and respect; (2) connection with the Divine; (3) positivity, gratitude, hope, peace; (4) meaning and purpose; (5) morality and ethics; (6) appreciation of beauty; (7) resolution of death. It is important for us to be aware of what we struggle with and what we need in each of those areas.

     One of the most common and obvious ways to meet spiritual needs is by attending  a church. There are so many choices of churches in the United States today, and people of almost any religious tradition can find a place to go. Spending time with other believers, reflecting on religious teachings, praying, and participating in discussions help to meet many of those aforementioned needs. However, attending the church is NOT the only way to take care of your spirit. Some people find that their spiritual believes don’t fit in any particular tradition or that their believes change and evolve in a different way. Others find that attending the church meets only some of their needs and not others.

     If you feel like church is not for you or it is not enough, you can choose to develop your own spiritual self-care program. Here are some common practices that can help you feel spiritually well, when performed regularly.

1.      Prayer: talking to God. When you do this on the regular basis in any way that you find acceptable for you, you feel more connected with the Divine spiritual nature of human life. You may also feel loved by God, grateful for what you have, hopeful about the future, and more aware of your life’s meaning.
     There are so many different kinds and types of prayer and so many religious traditions that it is difficult to give an example without excluding or offending someone. Here is one prayer that many people struggling with addictions have found helpful over the years. It was originally written by the 20^th century American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr and later adapted by the Alcoholics Anonymous:      God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,  
     Courage to change the things  which should be changed,
    and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. This prayer can be addressed to the Universe, the World, the Wind, Sacred Feminine, Universal Power or anything else that resonates with you.

2.      Meditation: quiet contemplation and reflection with the goal of training the mind to be a witness. There are many different techniques and approaches to meditation. Many past accounts and stories from such traditions as Buddhism and Yoga described very positive effects of regular meditation on mind, body, and spirit. In the past twenty years research has been catching up and showing multiple positive effects of meditation practice on a meditator’s emotional and physical health. This practice can help you meet a number of your spiritual needs, including but not limited to feeling connected with the Divine, feeling more positive, grateful, hopeful, being more aware of your motivations and the nature of choices you make.
     If you would like to read more about meditation or to learn some meditation techniques, visit http://www.project-meditation.org/.  For free guided meditations go to http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22 or to http://www.audiodharma.org/series/1/talk/1835/
     Here is a simple instruction for an insight meditation. Choose a place where you will not be disturbed, sit in a comfortable position, such as cross-legged on the cushion or in the chair with both feet on the floor. Decide for how long you are going to be meditating. To start with I suggest 5 or 10 min. As you get more comfortable with the practice, you can gradually increase time to 30-45 min. Set an alarm clock or a timer so that you don’t have to worry about the time. Then focus on your breath noticing how you breathe air in and how you breathe it out. Just pay attention to the process of breathing without any judgment or criticism. When you get distracted by a thought, sound, a feeling or something else, just acknowledge the distraction and bring your focus back to your breath. Mind always gets distracted, it is normal. So, you may have to bring yourself back to the focus on your breath multiple times during the 5 minute meditation.
     A helpful hint for the aforementioned meditation technique: find a part of your body that is affected by your breathing the most, such as area around your nostrils, your chest, or your stomach and focus on this area as you breath. It gives your mind something very concrete to focus on as opposed to the general idea of breath. Some people find it helpful to say in their minds something like “Inhale” every time they breathe in and “Exhale” every time they breathe out.

3.      Gratitude Journal. This practice consists of taking time every day to reflect on what you are grateful for in your life that day and then write it down. These may be big things like having a loving family or a beautiful house or little things, such as a smile of a stranger or a cup of warm tea. This practice, when performed regularly, may help you shift perspective from a glass half empty to a glass half full attitude and develop an appreciation for grace and beauty that all of us encounter every day.

4.      Loving Kindness or Metta Practice: helps you develop, deepen, maintain and exercise kindness to yourself and others. To do it, sit down and focus on repeating several phrases over and over again. First applying them to yourself, then a loved one, a neutral person, an enemy, and finally all people. Here are the examples of the phrases that can be used for this practice:     May I (he, she, they, the name of the person) be well
     May I be happy
     May I be free of suffering
As you repeat the phrases, visualize the person they are addressed to. Sometimes it helps to put one or both of your hands on your heart area and imagine that your heart is generating light and warmth.

5.      Spiritual reading and reflection. Choose a book by a spiritual leader/author, who inspires you. For me personally, books by Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh are always helpful, connecting and calming. If you are not sure, what book you would like to read, ask your family, friends, and mentors for recommendations. The following webpages contain the lists of “the best” or most popular spiritual books:
 http://www.abebooks.com/docs/ReligiousSpiritual/spiritual-books.shtml
http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/books/features.php?id=21956
http://www.amazon.com/Best-Spiritual-Authors-Books-List/lm/RC93KEJHT46C
Alternatively, you can always choose the sacred text of your tradition, such as the Bible or the Qur’an or the Torah.
     Choose a quiet place and read 1-2 pages of the book your chose. Reflect on the writings and/or journal about them. Do it on a daily basis.
     This practice can help you feel more connected to the Divine, other spiritual beings, hope and meaning. It can also help develop and maintain “bigger picture” perspective on life.

6.      Being in nature. Spend some time outside on a regular basis, whether it means going for a walk in the park, fishing, gardening, or just seating and watching the natural surroundings. Pay attention to all of your senses. What do you see, smell, hear?
     This practice can be very connecting and help you develop deep understanding of you as a part of the whole. It can also help get in touch with gratitude, joy, and hope.

     If you did not find anything that resonates with you in the list of practices that I described above, explore a list of 37 spiritual practices at  http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/practices/. So, choose one practice and focus on performing it regularly, preferably on a daily basis. Of course, if the practice you chose, does not feel helpful or seems harmful, stop doing it. Choose a different practice or consult with your therapist, spiritual counselor, or another healer.

     Often people recovering from trauma have many difficult spiritual and religious questions that they are either afraid of approaching or have difficulty finding an answer to. Why did this happen to me? Where was God? My perpetrator was never punished, where is justice? People are saying I need to forgive, why should I? Those and others are very important questions. It may help to seek some spiritual counseling and advice from the religious/ spiritual leaders in your community that feel trustworthy to you. It may also help to talk to a mental health professional about those struggles.

     Spiritual healing is as important as physical and emotional healing. Without acknowledging and addressing our spiritual wounds, we cannot properly heal. However, it is important to remember that focusing on spiritual aspects of healing, does not mean pushing yourself to go, where you are not ready to go. For example, trauma survivors often feel pressure from others to forgive their perpetrators, especially if it is a family member. They work on it. They either make themselves forgive before they are ready or find that they cannot no matter how hard they try. As a result, this kind of forgiveness either covers up and further buries non-expressed anger and hurt or leaves survivors feeling inadequate, because they cannot forgive. Both of those outcomes slow down or interfere with emotional healing. Therefore, be gentle with yourself. Healing is a process and timing is everything. It is perfectly OK to be where you are at right now. It is perfectly OK to take your time to heal and do it at your own, not someone else’s, pace.

     There are a lot of resources available to spiritual seekers today. I listed some of them in the article. I would like to mention a couple more resources here:

·        www.spiritualityandpractice.com – website that supports people in their own spiritual journeys with multiple resources, such as descriptions of different practices, bibliographies and filmographies, e-classes, newsletter, etc.

·        http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree - this website is about contemplative practices; the page that I refer you to has a very nice classification of these practices with descriptions.

     In the past three posts we talked about different ways to take care of yourself. Now is the time to put it all in practice and create a comprehensive mind-body-soul self-care program. Sounds pretty serious, doesn’t it? It does not have to be dead serious and solemn. I invite you to play and experiment with different practices. It can become a process of learning and self-exploration. As you work on developing or modifying your self-care program there are a couple of things I would love for you to keep in mind:

1.      No matter what you believe in the moment, you deserve to be taken care of! Can you repeat to yourself as often as possible something like “I am worthy of care”? The more you repeat it, the more you start believing it. The more you believe it, the more you will act like it.

2.      Be compassionate towards yourself. Compassion creates environment conducive to healing. I believe that any wounded being can heal over time surrounded by kindness and compassion. Who can do it for you better than yourself? You are with you 24/7. If there is just one practice that I consider to be fundamental for survivor’s healing, it is Metta or Loving-Kindness. Do it for yourself on a daily basis, let it become your mantra, and you will start seeing positive changes very soon.

I am always interested in your comments and questions. Please, post, and I will try to respond ASAP J

How to care for self – PART 2

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     It has been more than a month since the post on caring for the physical body. I hope you remembered to repeat to yourself daily something like “I AM WORTHY CARING FOR”. If you did, I also hope you have started noticing a change in self-attitude. This post is the continuation of the previous one and builds up on the information and practices you learned in August. So, if you did not read the previous post, I suggest you stop here and go read Part 1 first. 

     We will be talking about caring for your emotional self today. Many of us never think to do anything special for this side until we get depressed or anxious or develop an anger management problem. Then we are forced to focus on our emotions whether we like it or not. However, we can prevent many mental health problems from developing in the first place, if we take good care of our emotional side. For those, who already developed mental health problems, emotional self-care is a must and for those recovering from trauma, emotional self-care should be a major focus.

     Our feelings are powerful messengers that tell us how our environment, including other people, is impacting us. When someone violates our boundaries, we tend to feel angry. When we lose something or someone, we tend to feel sad. When we make a mistake, we feel guilty. When we are emotionally healthy, we can rely on our emotions to give us important information about what is going on. So, one way to take care of yourself is to identify a feeling when it arises, get information out of it, and let it run its course.

     When we are stressed out or emotionally unwell the aforementioned recommendation does not work as well. We need different tools to deal with our feelings, because at this point they carry not only information about our current external world but are contaminated by many other past feelings we did not recognize and process in time, as well as past and present information about our internal world. So, it is way more complicated now. I am going to outline one of the possible approaches to understanding and expressing your emotions in this kind of situation. It is not the only approach and it does not work for everyone. However, in order to figure out whether it works for you, you need to give it a full try.

   When our emotions get intense and feel out of control, the FIRST STEP is to identify and acknowledge how we are feeling in the moment. Denying it and trying to push it away is like fighting a huge ocean wave. All this fighting is going to do is knock you over.  So, take a moment and focus inward, name your feeling. For example, “I am experiencing anger” or “I am feeling overwhelmed”.

     The SECOND STEP is to reassure yourself that IT’S OK TO FEEL THIS WAY. No matter how you feel in this very moment, there is a reason for it. The reason may be hidden from your sight right now or it may be far in the past and not related to the current situation, but it is there. The best you can do in the moment is to trust that the reason will reveal itself, if you are willing to be patient and accepting of your feelings.

     People often confuse feelings with behaviors and actions. I want to be really clear here. It is OK to feel whatever you are feeling in the moment, be it furious anger or deepest possible sadness. However, it is not OK to express your feelings by hurting others or yourself. Often people will say anger is a bad emotion because it hurts others. That is NOT true. Anger does not hurt anyone, choices that some people make when they are angry and behaviors they engage in may be hurtful. Anger is just a feeling.

     Let me give you an example. When I am driving on the interstate with the speed limit of 70 and there is a car in front of me in the left lane going 60, I feel annoyed. When this car keeps going at this speed and not letting me through for a while, I start feeling angry. Now, I really feel my anger. Does it hurt a driver in the front car?  Not really. They have no idea how I am feeling. Back to me, I identified that I feel angry and now I have multiple choices as to how to express my anger. I can do deep breathing and let it go. I can tell myself it is stupid and that I should not feel this way and suppress it. I can curse and yell inside my car.  I can beep or blink my lights at the car in the front. I can also choose to tailgate this car and when I have an opportunity to pass it, cut in front of it and push my brakes. I can flip the driver passing by. Or, if I really want to take it to the extreme level, I can follow them and engage in physical or verbal fight, when I get a chance. Same feeling, but very different behaviors and outcomes. Very often we do not have control over what we feel, but we always have control over our behavior and choices that we are making.  Now, can you tell yourself that it is OK to feel what you are feeling?

     THIRD STEP is find a way to express this feeling without hurting yourself or anyone else. Here is where you might need multiple tools and ideas of how to express your emotions in a safe way. Let me reassure you there are a lot of safe positive choices. You can talk to a trusted person about your feelings. You can journal about them. You can use art, such as drawing, painting, sculpting, writing poetry, making a craft project, etc. You can sing. You can use movement to express your feelings. For example, anger is often expressed well through vigorous physical activity, such as running or weight lifting. Anxiety often calls for a walk or a yoga session.  

     FOURTH STEP comes after you feel less intense. Now you can reflect on what the feeling is about. Does it have to do with the present? Is there any part of it that feels as over-reaction or inappropriate response to the current situation? If your answer is yes, what does this feeling remind you of in the past? Who is it addressed to? 

     FIFTH STEP is making a decision about ways to deal with this feeling. Do you need to communicate it to anyone from your present or past? Does anything have to change? Or was it a fleeting response, and you can let go off it now?  If you decide that it is important to let the person, who contributed to this feeling, know about your response, remember to use I-statements and not blame him or her for your feelings. For example, “When you consistently leave dirty dishes on the counter, I feel irritated and disrespected, I would prefer you rinsed them and put in the dishwasher” or “I felt hurt, when I learned from Bill that you shared my secret with him. I would like to understand why you did it.”

     Another important emotional need that we all have is a need to be soothed, when we encounter painful situations. Remember, when you were five and scratched your knee? Your first impulse might have been to run to one of your parents crying. And if you had a good enough parent, they most likely gave you a hug, empathized with your pain in some form and reassured you that you will be ok. As adults, we need to know how to do it for ourselves. We often get in trouble emotionally, when we respond to painful situations by blaming ourselves and internally treating ourselves like a harsh and critical parent. We may say things like, “you are a failure”, “what’s wrong with you?”, “it’s your fault”, “if only you did A, things would be different”. Those kinds of responses only increase our pain and make us feel even worse about ourselves. Compare them to “I am sorry you are in pain”, “Everyone makes mistakes”, “How can I help?”. SO, the way you talk to yourself in those critical situations, makes a big difference in how you feel.  Imagine treating yourself the way you treat your child or a dear friend, when they fall down. Tend to your needs in the present moment. What will feel good right now? A cup of hot tea or warm milk? A reassuring pat on the shoulder? A warm bath? Reading a book while wrapped up in a warm blanket? Patting your cat or dog? Saying to yourself “I love you no matter what” or “you are a good person in spite of what happened”?  You will have opportunity to evaluate situation and learn from it once you feel better.

     If you would like to learn more about your emotions and emotional needs, I suggest using five minute meditation practice described in Part I. Instead of focusing on your body sensations, focus on your feelings. Do it for one to two weeks and journal about your experiences. In two weeks, sit down and read your entries. Is there a common theme? Would you like to change how you attend to your emotional self in any way based on your discoveries?

     Very often, when our emotions get intense and out of control, it is because we have been neglecting or suppressing our feelings for a while. Maybe we did not let ourselves to experience and express pain associated with divorce, or childhood abuse, or loss of mother. We often stuff our feelings in the internal box, close the lid, and pretend they never existed or went away. With time the box gets overly full and feelings start escaping from it, leaking into all the different areas of our lives. We snap at our loved ones, who have nothing to do with our past, or cry uncontrollably, or start drinking heavily, or get depressed, or experience panic attacks. If you are at this point, it may mean you need some professional help. I suggest seeking licensed mental health professional, who can help you learn to manage current feelings and deal with the past ones.

     As a conclusion, when we tend to our emotions and our needs on the regular basis, our feelings are balanced for the most part. They also serve as valuable information sources and guides. However, when we deny or neglect them, they tend to become intense and confusing. They often continue escalating until we finally agree to pay attention and do something about them. As always,  I am interested in your reflections, comments, and questions.

How to care for self – PART I

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     I was convinced that self-care is a good thing for a long time now, but it took me forever to figure out how exactly to do that. I have noticed on my personal and my clients’ examples that new believers tend to overdo things. I used to criticize myself if I did not practice yoga, one of my identified self-care methods, for several days. I also used to have pretty high expectations of how many different self-care things and how often I am going to perform. Of course, in this situation I was practicing self-care on the surface while continuing to emotionally “abuse” myself underneath.

      In the next three posts I am going to share with you some ideas and tips on developing a life style that will support you taking care of yourself. It is not just about specific practices and how often you perform them, it is also about continuing to work on developing belief that YOU ARE WORTHY OF CARING FOR.   In PART I of these series I will focus on some general self-care guidelines and on taking care of physical self. In PART II major theme will be taking care of the mind. PART III will cover caring for the spirit and general conclusions. 

     The first point I would like to make here is the difference between our needs and our wants. A need is something that is necessary for a person to maintain or restore their health, balance, or wholesome nature. A want is something that a person’s ego desires because it feels good or pleasurable in this very moment. For example, when I want a piece of cake or to veggie out in front of TV, it is not necessarily what I need. I may need to have a piece of fruit and to meditate with my legs up the wall instead. But differentiating between what I need and what I want is NOT an easy task.  

     From the long history of different human cultures and modern research we know a lot about human physical body and its needs. To be physically well we need to drink, eat, move, sleep and rest, and stay clean. Now, we also have a lot of individual differences among us in respect to how much we need to rest, eat, move, and so forth. Unfortunately, in the modern civilized cultures we moved so far away from nature and being in touch with ourselves that we learned to rely on science to tell us how to take care of our physical bodies as opposed to OUR OWN BODIES. So, the first task of self-care program is to get back in touch with your body, its needs and its rhythms. Get curious, start listening to your body and exploring its needs. 

     How much rest do you need to function well? Most Americans don’t get enough. Functioning on caffeine and adrenaline, we have no idea how tired or rested we are. Most likely your rest needs change depending on your level of stress, business, time of the year and so forth. When it comes to rest and sleep, ancient medicine and modern science alike describe its importance and multiple benefits. Many of my clients, who came in complaining on anxiety and depression, were surprised to find out that their symptoms went away, when they established good sleep and rest habits. In general, regular sleep schedule with 7-9 hours of uninterrupted rest at night is a golden standard.

     What does your body need to eat? How often? How much? There are all kinds of nutritional ideas, theories, and advice out there. New promising diet comes out every month. It is overwhelming! How do you know what is right for you? Again, your best advisor is your body. Listen to its response after you had a meal. It will tell you. For example, when I eat something that my body does not appreciate, I get tired and lethargic 30 min – 2 hours after the meal. I also may get one or several of the following:  bloating, discomfort in my stomach, headache, irritability, depressed mood, fatigue next morning, and so forth. When I eat something that is good for my body, I feel energetic until my next meal, my stomach is comfortable, mood is stable, and outlook on life generally positive. Through several years of experimenting and listening to my body, I have found that low sugar and no gluten diet with lots of vegetables and fruit and a little meat works the best for me. Of course, it does not mean that the same will work for you. Good news here is that you need ONLY YOU to figure out your diet.

          A lot has been said lately by researchers and physicians alike about importance of movement. Physical exercise is claimed to be the best way to prevent most physical and mental health issues, as well as a good treatment for some of them (e.g., diabetes or depression). In spite of all the research and education, Americans continue to be one of the most sedentary nations in the world. We do NOT need to move in order to survive. If we want to eat, we drive to a restaurant or to a grocery store or even better order in. If we want to go to a movie, we turn TV or computer on and watch one. Many of us do not even need to go to work anymore, because we can work in the convenience of our own houses from our own computers. We are lucky that we have access to all those luxuries, right? Wrong! We get what we want but not what we need! Human bodies were created with the idea of movement in mind. When we move, we stay healthy and we live long high quality lives. When we become sedentary, we lose our health and quality of our lives suffers.

     So, if you are on a path to self-care, your task is to create as many opportunities to move your body on a daily basis as possible. Now, movement does not have to be going to the GYM and using treadmill. It means taking your dog for a walk as opposed to letting it out. It means parking in the distant spot and walking to your office, store, restaurant and so forth. It means getting up during commercials and stretching or dancing. It means going on a hike or bike ride on the weekend instead of going out for dinner and then ice-cream. Even those little changes can go a long way. The idea is to slowly or quickly develop LOVE of movement, so that moving your body becomes FUN and NECESSITY, so that you feel that something is lacking when you lay on a couch for an evening. There is a lot of space for creativity and exploration here. Some people learn that they like dancing, others are crazy about rock climbing, while others discover the joys of gardening. The content and type of movement does not matter.

     As a conclusion for this part, I would like to share a simple practice that may help you over time develop an ability to listen to your body, mind, and spirit more closely. It is a five minute sitting meditation. To start take a comfortable seated position with your back straight and chest open. Feel grounded through your sitting bone, put both feet on the ground or cross your legs, with your feet under your knees. Put an alarm on for 5 minutes from now. Then close your eyes and focus on your breathing, just noticing how you breathe air in and how you breathe it out. Paying attention without any judgment or criticism. Your focus maybe helped by finding a specific area of your body that is changing with breath to focus on, such as your belly or chest or area around your nostrils.

     After a couple of minutes of focusing on your breathing, ask yourself “How am I feeling right now in my body?”. Listen for internal responses without any judgment. Whatever sensations are there, they are OK, even if it is pain or discomfort. Then ask yourself a question “What does my body need to continue feeling well (or to feel better)?” Again, listen for responses without any judgment. After your alarm goes off, write down your observations. Do this practice for a week, then look over your notes. What can you learn from them? Is there anything you would like to change in how you are treating your body?

     Most important though is to remind yourself as often as possible that YOU ARE WORTHY OF CARING FOR! As you start believing it, you will start acting like it. The more you act like it, the more you believe it. :)

     As always, please, share your comments and questions. More specifically, what constructive and creative ways have you found re: caring for your body?

Is self-care indulgent?

     Time and time again I was asked by many of my clients whether it is selfish to engage in self-care. Are we not supposed to focus on others in our lives before we focus on ourselves? Maybe we need to leave a task of caring for ourselves to our family and friends? Maybe we do not deserve to be cared for at all?

      So, let us look at all of those questions and really contemplate the issue. I have struggled with those questions a lot myself on both personal and professional levels. I am going to share my current perspective on it.

     What is self-care? There are many definitions out there. For example, here is the part of the World Health Organization’s definition: “"Self Care in health refers to the activities individuals, families and communities undertake with the intention of enhancing health, preventing disease, limiting illness, and restoring health.”  When mental health professionals talk about self-care, they may refer to the basic ability of an individual to take care of the daily tasks of living, such as grooming and feeding self. When I use the word “self-care”, I refer to the individual’s ability to fully recognize their physical, emotional, social, and spiritual needs and to take full responsibility on him/herself for meeting those needs. So, in my mind anyone, including myself, deserves to be taken care of. However, in my mind it is also my responsibility to identify my needs and find ways of meeting them that do not interfere with other people’s lives and well-being. This is where it gets sticky for me. So, when I take time out of my evening to go to a yoga class, does it interfere with my daughter’s well-being? I could be staying home cooking for her, talking to her, helping her with her homework, right?

     This is what I found through my personal and clinical experiences. When an individual has self-care as their last priority or not a priority at all, they tend to feel stressed a lot and unable to manage their stress. They also accumulate resentment towards those they are taking care of. Throughout the years of making choices to put others first, folks tend to develop their own physical and mental health issues that often get ignored, because “there is no time” and because “it is selfish”. So, in my office I often see someone, who has been selfless and focused on pleasing others, and is very unhappy with his/her life and struggling with mental and physical health. In addition, family and friends of those individuals often develop a belief that it is this person’s job to take care of them and, as a result, stop taking care of themselves relying on their “caretaker” to make their food, medical appointments, and remind them of important events. 

     Often, “caretakers” cite religion or culture to justify what they are doing in their lives. After all, did not Jesus teach us to be selfless and focused on charity and serving others? Buddha and Mohammed supposedly did the same. I am no religious scholar, but I have some basic knowledge of the history of religion. Let’s look at some interesting verses from the sacred texts and quotes I have found.  I will start with the Bible. In  1 Corinthians 6:19-20, we read: “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” and in 1 Corinthians 3:16: “Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?” If you are a God’s temple and God’s spirit dwells in you, do you think God would like you to neglect your body and spirit or would he like you to take the best care possible of yourself?

    In Islam there is also focus on taking good care of oneself and one’s body and very specific guidelines provided in Quran for doing that. I have found widely cited quote “the Prophet said: 'Be keen to do what is beneficial to you'.  Dr. Shahid Athar in his article “Health Guidelines From Quran And Sunnah” writes:

In summary, our healthy body is a gift from God. We are the trustees. We should not misuse it, nor provide wrong raw products for the factory and we should keep superb maintenance of this delicate and sensitive machine, in order to enjoy it. It is the container of our soul.

     In Buddhism there is a lot of focus on love and compassion. Here is what Thich Nhat Hanh, a beloved Buddhist monk and writer says on the topic:

 Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truly a practice. [Shambhala Sun March 2006 ].

One of the core Buddhist practices is Metta, or Loving-Kindness meditation, which focuses on generating love and compassion for oneself and then extending it to others.

     What about modern American culture? Well, there is a lot of focus on consuming, indulging, and having. However, this has nothing to do with self-care. Self-care is about health and well-being. Self-indulgence is about being disconnected from oneself and others. I will focus more on this topic in the next post. Many of us also like talking about being selfish and no one likes to be labeled as one. Now let’s think together. When your partner or a friend or a colleague labels you as “selfish”, because you don’t want to give them more, are they being selfless?

     So, I asked earlier in this post, “when I take time out of my evening to go to a yoga class, does it interfere with my daughter’s well-being?” Having tried both, going to a class and staying home instead of going, today my response to this question is “No”. When I go to a yoga class in the evening, I spend time focusing on my body, mind, and spirit in a very positive way. I come back home fully nourished and happy. I am glad to see my daughter and talk to her. I am available without resentment to take care of her needs. I am also modeling for her how to take good care of herself and her health, as well as giving her permission to do the same. In my mind, the world just got a happy person, who is spreading positive energy around. And, everyone wins.

     Please, post your comments. I am especially interested in knowing whether you think of self-care as an indulgence and why.

Moving on by Celebrating Survival

Moving on by Celebrating Survival

     In all human cultures important events, such as births, weddings, deaths are marked by special celebrations and rituals. They help us acknowledge an event, its impact, and transition to the next stage of our lives. We also have holidays that mark different seasons, such as Thanksgiving or religious events, such as Christmas. Those celebrations are embedded in a specific culture and each member of the culture knows particular rituals and ways to celebrate particular event. We can modify what our culture has to offer, but we have a template and basic knowledge of what to do. For example, when it comes to a wedding in the US, all people have a basic idea of a wedding ceremony held in a sacred or important place involving a bride in a beautiful white dress, a groom – also dressed up, wedding party, guests, reception with food and music afterwards and so forth.

     Well, a traumatic event is all bit as important as a birth or a wedding. It transforms a person and his/her life forever and often marks a transition from a naïve and innocent individual to someone, who experienced very grim and dark side of human existence. Some people experience a number of traumatic events in their lives, each one is as important as the following one. Unfortunately, many human cultures, including American culture, leave people to their own devices, when it comes to dealing with trauma. Moreover wounded individuals often feel isolated and rejected, and their injuries are rarely acknowledged. Definitely, nothing about it is celebrated.

     One important aspect of trauma is that our psyche often gets stuck there, because it is overwhelmed during the traumatic event and unable to process it. So, often years after the end of sexual abuse, the survivor still feels unsafe and unstable and has difficulty thriving. The same applies to other types of traumas, such as combat, terrorism, assault, natural disaster and so forth.

     How can we help our psyche understand that traumatic event is over? How can we help ourselves move on? The answer maybe counterintuitive… By celebrating the end of trauma and the fact that we survived it! Since we don’t have any templates for how to conduct a celebration like that, there is a lot of freedom to create a celebratory event that fits your personality, life circumstances, values, type of trauma, etc.

     For those, who feel lost and would like some ideas to start from, below is a non-exhaustive list of celebratory possibilities:

·       Create a collage of survival and healing. Share it with those close to you.

·       Throw a party with survival theme. It can be focused on you or it can be focused on all guests surviving difficult and painful events in their lives. Have people share what they appreciate about survival and what they are celebrating.

·       Cook your favorite foods. Invite close friends and/or family to dinner. Share with them what you survived and when and how you are different today because of it.

·       Plan a get-away retreat focused on you taking good care of yourself, because you survived. Include activities and places that you enjoy in your itinerary. Maybe it’s camping, or fishing, or hanging out on a beach, or getting massage, or hiking, or a yoga class, or getting pedicure, or reading a great book, or having tea on a porch? Whatever it is, as long as it feeds your mind, body, and soul in a healthy, non-destructive way, it has a place on your celebration list.

·       Create a ritual including elements of your spiritual tradition(s), such as prayer, meditation, lighting candles, chanting, singing and other practices. Perform ritual alone or share it with significant people.

·       Create a scrap book focusing on differences between your life post-trauma and life during trauma.

NOTE TO THOSE WHO DON'T FEEL LIKE CELEBRATING 

           I understand that you may not feel like celebrating at all. In fact you may feel like life is not worth living given what happened, or you may be grieving losses, or you maybe plotting revenge. The idea of celebration may seem ridiculous to you in the context of your current life. In this case, I invite you to acknowledge that the trauma is over in any way you can, in any way that feels authentic to you. Sometimes journaling about it helps, Writing a simple sentence like "Accident happened on May 25, 1985. Today is June 27, 2012. The accident is OVER" and then looking at it on a daily basis may prove beneficial.

Please, share your own celebratory ideas or ways in which you celebrated/acknowledged your survival below.

Want to heal from trauma? Sign-up for a yoga class.

   What does yoga have to do with healing from trauma? Actually, a lot, according to both ancient texts and contemporary research.

     Yoga is an ancient holistic practice that originated in India more than 4,000 years ago. It includes ethics, meditation, breathing, movement, diet and other approaches for keeping body healthy and mind sane to help the seeker achieve spiritual enlightenment. In our days in the West, yoga mostly covers physical exercises, some breathing techniques and some meditation. Many people think of the folks practicing yoga as “flexible pretzels” and feel intimidated by the idea of a class. But yoga class does not have to be scary or challenging. There are many types of yoga, such as subtle, gentle, restorative, or yin that people with any fitness level can practice.

     Trauma affects individuals on all levels: physical, emotional, spiritual, and social. It also has profound effects on the functioning and even structure of our brains. According to a number of researchers (Ogden et al., 2006; van der Kolk, 2006), during traumatic events our cortex and frontal lobes get overloaded and shut down, while brain stem and amygdala carry on and get hyperactivated, which results in person’s inability to process trauma verbally and cognitively, as well as increased arousal and anxiety. 
     Talk therapy, which is often used, to address consequences of trauma has pretty serious limitations given aforementioned effects of trauma on brain. However, yoga, which is a holistic approach, has an ability to effect change on the level of brain stem and amygdala. Research shows that regular practice of yoga leads to decrease in anxiety, improved mood, increased ability to self-regulate, and restoration of biological rhythms (Brown & Gerbarg, 2009; Spinazzola et al., 2011).

     In my own experience of using yoga in the group treatment of trauma survivors, the regular practice is associated with increased sense of safety, ability to change state from depressed and anxious to more joyful and calm, enjoyment of being in one’s own body, and decreased level of anxiety and stress.

     There are many ways to start and develop your own yoga practice. Attending yoga classes is the easiest way to go. However, if you don’t have a yoga studio or GYM with yoga classes, you may want to purchase a yoga DVD. Below are some of the places and items that I recommend. Of course, you are welcome to do your own research. There are a lot of options available in our days.

     If you live in Knoxville, TN or surrounding area, check out my yoga classes at http://www.dr-irina.com/Wellnessclasses.en.html. There is a wonderful yoga studio, Glowing Body, in the Old City with multiple yoga classes every day of the week: http://www.glowingbody.net/. Aspen Health and Healing Center offers yoga classes in Oak Ridge: http://www.aspenhealthnow.com/ . If you live outside of Knoxville area, check out yoga journal directory for teachers & studios in your area: http://www.yogajournal.com/directory/.

     Here are some of the good yoga DVDs:

·       Yoga for beginners & stress relief: http://www.amazon.com/Beginners-Stress-Relief-Essential-Inflexible/dp/B001HAO8NM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339380511&sr=8-1&keywords=yoga+DVD

·       Yoga for depression with Amy Weintraub: http://www.amazon.com/LifeForce-Yoga-Beat-Blues-Level/dp/B000MMMWMU/ref=sr_1_6?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1339380770&sr=1-6&keywords=yoga+DVD+depression+anxiety

·       Viniyoga for anxiety with Gary Kraftsow: http://www.amazon.com/Viniyoga-Therapy-Beginners-Advanced-Kraftsow/dp/B005JJ0EL2/ref=sr_1_3?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1339380770&sr=1-3&keywords=yoga+DVD+depression+anxiety

     If you think that you cannot practice yoga, I suggest you watch the following video for inspiration and motivation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIXOo8D9Qsc – Arthur’s Transformation – Never give up. It features a man with both physical and psychological trauma, who used a power of yoga to help himself heal.