Coping with Stress as a Survivor

     Recently I went through a few stressful experiences that descended on me at the same time.  I  was reminded that my sensitive nervous system responds to stress differently, even today after multiple years of therapy and yoga and other healing adventures. This is not a cause for grief and sadness anymore but rather an opportunity to practice what I preach to my clients and readers.

     So, let’s do a quick review of what happens to the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) after any complex or long-term traumatic situation. The two branches, sympathetic and parasympathetic, get easily dysregulated and stop “talking” to each other, which throws trauma survivor outside of the window of tolerance (or green zone, where we want to be to cope effectively) either in the Hyperarousal or Hypoarousal. 

     In the Hyperarousal, we may feel anxious/fearful/panicky or frustrated/annoyed/angry. We may have difficulty focusing because of being all over the place, as well as difficulty sleeping and relaxing. In the Hypoarousal, we may feel down or disconnected. We may have trouble thinking clearly and making decisions. Sometimes, being in the hypoarousal zone is also associated with difficulty knowing our needs and communicating them to other people, as well as challenges around maintaining healthy boundaries. For more on the review of the ANS after trauma and different ideas of how to rehabilitate it, see my blog post from June, 2017.

     With trauma, the window of tolerance tends to become very narrow and, as a result, a survivor is easily stressed. Little things that might have never bothered them before (if there was before) may become huge challenges. For example, calling utilities company to handle a mistake on a bill or talking about work needs to the employer may be experienced as overwhelming. Is there anything you can do about it when you are going through a stressful period in your life, such as approaching holiday season? ABSOLUTELY!

       I offer you a collection of different strategies from neuroscience and Internal Family Systems (IFS) verified by my clinical work and personal use. I divided them into two groups: 1) strategies that produce immediate change and can be used in a difficult moment; 2) strategies that produce long-term change, including expansion of the window of tolerance and reducing frequency of the “freak out” moments.

1     Immediate Change strategies
are meant to be used when you notice that you are stressed and/or outside of your window of tolerance. They maybe used multiple times a day. Most of them take only 1-2 minutes. When you choose to practice one of those techniques, give it your full attention for that minute. Notice and celebrate even the slightest change in your state.

1.   Unblending from a part. When you are “kicked” outside of the window of tolerance by ANS, it often happens because one of your protective or wounded parts has flooded you. You may acknowledge the struggle that one or several of your parts are experiencing right now and send it/them compassion. After that ask the part to step back, so that you can listen to it and understand what the part needs. I am often surprised how little and trivial things could be very soothing and reassuring to our parts, such as listen and validate part’s feelings, or give it permission to do or not do something, or speak for the part in some relationship.
2. Deep breathing. When you notice that your body is tensing up or level of irritability is increasing or some other sign that you are moving outside of the window of tolerance, take a moment and focus on your breathing. First notice, without judgement what your breathing pattern is like. Then work on lengthening your exhalation, so that it becomes a little longer then an inhalation. Count how long it takes you to inhale and then gradually increase your length of exhalation to + 3 counts. For example, if it takes you up to 3 counts to inhale, increase your exhalation to 6 counts. Don’t get too hung up on the numbers, just work on extending your exhalation for 5 breathing cycles or so.
3. One yoga pose. Do your favorite yoga pose with full attention to your breath and body sensations. If you don’t have a favorite yoga pose, check out one pose videos on my youtube channel at: https://www.youtube.com/irinadiyankova for some inspiration.
4.  One minute PAUSE. Stop whatever you are doing for just one minute, even 30 seconds would be good. Put your feet on the ground. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are OK here now. Repeat as many times as necessary. And, then take a moment to remember that you have all kinds or internal and external resources today and that you have coped with lots in the past. You can find a one minute video of a waterfall on my youtube channel that goes nicely with this practice.
5. Self-hug. Give yourself a heartfelt hug and send compassion to all of your internal parts and your system as a whole for the pain that you are experiencing in the moment. Take a moment to really notice and enjoy this experience.

2.     Long-term and rehabilitation strategies

1. Daily parts’ conference is an excellent preventative practice, which comes especially handy during stressful times. It works the best when you are consistent with it and parts “know” when to expect your attention. It can be as simple as checking in with your parts for 2-3 min before you go to sleep and sending all of them compassion and love. Or it can be more formal and involved, like taking 10-15 min a day to sit in quiet, center yourself through several deep breaths, and invite parts that would like your attention to express themselves one at a time. When you listen to a part, do it from a neutral stance. You don’t need to solve anything or promise anything, just your presence and attention are enough. Afterwards, it may be helpful to jot down some notes about different parts you heard from in your journal.
2. Gratitude Journal is a strategy that gradually and slowly works on shifting perspective from one of negativity and deprivation, which is a staple mark of stress response to one of positive expectations and abundance, which is associated with relaxation response. It is very simple. Take a notebook or if you already have a journal, you can use it. Give yourself 3-5 minutes in quiet to reflect and write down 3-5 different things you are grateful for that day. Those things don’t have to be big and amazing. Anything that gave you a moment of joy or relaxation deserves to be put on the list. For example, inhaling fresh air as you stepped outside, exchanging smiles with someone, having a good meal, petting your cat or dog, and so on. Of course, big things can be included as well. Reread your entries often. With time and consistency you will notice gradual shift of your attention from things that are not going well to the things that are.
   Dr. Rick Hanson, neuropsychologist and author of several practical books on neuroscience, reminds us that what we focus on most frequently tends to grow and expand in our minds. Given that all humans have negativity bias predetermined by our survival orientation it is important to deliberately seek, enjoy, and recall positive experiences on the daily basis to develop more neutral stance and equilibrium in the functioning of the nervous system.
3. Mindful Movement Practice. When we take a few minutes every day to focus on moving with intention and self-awareness, our nervous system pays us back through developing a base of calm and bringing us back inside that window of tolerance much quicker. Choose movement type that you enjoy. It maybe yoga, dancing, running, walking, swimming, something else. The key here is to focus on your breath and your body as you are performing that activity. It does not have to be long 10-15 minutes a day would work wonders.

If your major stressors during the holiday season are associated with the family gatherings, I refer you to my December 2018 blog post for some ideas on how to deal with challenging relationships during festive times. I wish you a happy and healthy Holiday Season filled with self-compassion and self-care.