Is it OK to Struggle?

     Is it OK to struggle? At a first glance, this seems like a strange question. But I hear it all the time in sessions with my clients, conversations with my friends, and in my own head. Growing up in a

culture burdened by a lot of trauma, I received plenty of messages about struggle being a deviation from the norm. I was told explicitly and implicitly that if I stumble, it is my fault and I need to find a way to fix it. Nowhere along the road of my childhood, I have ever heard that it was OK to struggle and that struggles are a part of life. I did not know that everyone struggles at one point or another. I did not realize that struggles and crisis provide opportunities to grow and develop.

     Today when clients come to see me, they often talk about their desire to stop pain and stop struggle and they are looking towards therapy to fix whatever might be wrong and broken inside of them. The truth is neither me nor therapy can do this for anyone, because we are all broken and beautiful and lovable at the same time. Moreover, none of us have total or even significant control over our external circumstances. No one can prevent an accident from happening, loved one dying from an incurable disease, or a partner being fired from job. We live in the world where injustice, inequality, and prejudice are daily occurrences. Painful and stressful things happen to us often. And, our modern culture’s expectation that we can be happy and well at all times in the world that is as complex and imperfect as ours is simply unrealistic, in my

humble opinion.

     So, when my internal parts start criticizing me for struggling or being in pain, I choose to remind them that both pain and struggle are a part of life. And, yes it sucks to be in pain and yes, I hold them in compassion. And, no there is absolutely nothing wrong with them and no, we are not going to look for whose fault it is. In addition, we are not going to look on social media and compare our insides to other people outsides and we are not going to tell ourselves that everyone else has these wonderful lives and we are the only ones who are struggling. This we do have control over.    

  

   Instead, we are going to ground and breathe and send compassion and light to pain. And, we are going to remind ourselves that this will not last forever and it will pass too. Meanwhile, we maybe able to find some ways to soothe whatever aches us. Sometimes it maybe light self-massage, or a positive affirmation with tapping, or a walk outside. At other times, it maybe journaling, doodling, talking to a friend, or taking a nap. All of those relief practices will be combined with a large helping of self-compassion, which is a very important ingredient, because it does not only alleviate our suffering, it also heals our wounds.

     On the other hand, giving ourselves permission to struggle does not mean that our lives should be just that. No matter how difficult and painful things might be in the moment, it is OK to take a break

from hardship. It is perfectly OK to give yourself permission to focus on something positive and to do something enjoyable, like having a laugh with a friend, playing with your pet, enjoying hot beverage, reading an interesting book or watching a heart-warming movie. Our struggles are not going anywhere. We, on the other hand, need to be renewed and taken care of in order to continue engaging with our complex lives and facing our growing pains.

With love and compassion,

Irina Diyankova