Dealing with the impact of mass shootings and violence

     June and July of this year have surprised us with even more mass shootings than previous months of 2016 as if it was not already enough. These events are tragic and painful for everyone; however, the impact on the trauma survivors is often the most severe. Often survivors notice that they feel more on edge, fearful, overwhelmed, or angry than usually. And, at times, survivors cannot understand why, because those tragedies are not necessarily connected in their minds to how they function and feel every day.  For some, PTSD may flare up significantly. So, what can a trauma survivor do to relieve the impact and the consequences? The answer is multi-dimensional. Consider taking as many of the following steps as you can in order to alleviate or prevent triggering trauma response.

Step 1. Decrease your exposure to the news coverage as much as possible. When I say this, I often hear objections along the lines “But I need to know what is going on in the country (or in the world or in my community)”. I completely understand that need and that desire. There are ways

to stay informed without overwhelming yourself by violent traumatizing images. As we entered digital and global age, we all have been overexposed to the videos and images of shootings, bombings, attacks, war, etc. Never before in human history have people had access to so many images and videos of the cruelty and horror. I would like to remind all of us that human psyche can take only so much before producing a trauma response. When it comes to trauma survivors, their psyches already took a number of hits, so there is no need to traumatize them further. Often it is enough to know that the tragic event happened; there is absolutely no need to watch or read about the gory details and expose yourself to the repetitive nature of ongoing discussion. Remember that the more images you see, the more the images and details are repeated the higher is potential for the trauma reaction.
     If you would like to stay informed, here are some ways to limit overexposure:    

a)      Make a choice to read news in the paper or online, but skip pictures and images;

b)      Leave the room or turn TV off before or right when the videos of violence start showing;

c)       Turn down volume on the radio or switch to another channel when another discussion or episode covering violence begins

d)      DO not engage in discussions of the details of the violent incidents with others. Ask those close to you to be respectful of your trauma response and abstain from discussing the details. If one of them would like to talk to you about their thoughts or feelings regarding new violence incidents, ask them to preface it, check in with you to see if it is OK, and if it is a good time and to what extent and for how long you can talk about the subject.

It is OK to set limits with yourself and others around exposure to violence. It is an act of self-compassion and self-care.

Step 2. Create space in your personal life to process  feelings caused by the events through journaling, creative endeavors, or talking to significant others about it. Acknowledging your feelings and finding ways to express them in a non-violent way is very important step towards healing versus going deeper into trauma reaction. Sometimes it helps to limit processing time to 15-30 minutes at each occasion in order to contain difficult feelings and not overwhelm yourself. If being overwhelmed with emotions is a concern for you, then agree with yourself how often and for how long you will be processing (for example, 2-3 times a week for 15 minutes), set an alarm for that particular amount of time, and when alarm goes off, put your project away and focus on something else until the next time.

Step 3.  Can you channel the energy of you  feelings into a helpful action, such as perform a ritual of honoring the victims, participate in a community event devoted to it, donate money? If yes, go ahead and do it. Action will use the energy of the feeling, as well, as help you feel empowered instead of helpless. If no, that is OK and not a cause to feel bad about yourself. Go to step 4 then.

 Step 4. Increase intensity and frequency of self-care. Consider adding to, not subtracting from, your regular self-care regimen. During times of increased stress, whether personal or societal/cultural, survivors need more NOT LESSS self-care. Below are some ideas you can explore in this area, but remember that you may need something unique and different, so just listen to your own needs and respond to them:

• Self-compassion break (to be taken at least 3 x day). Stop what you are doing. Put a hand on your heart, stomach, or cheeks. Take a couple of deep breaths. Keep saying to yourself something along the lines (for a min or so): “May I be kind to myself in this moment and each and every moment today. I love myself just the way I am”. You can also visualize being wrapped in a golden light, warm blanket, or being surrounded by those who love you unconditionally.
•  Spending time in nature: we are surrounded by natural beauty which is healing for mind-body-spirit. So, make it a point to expose yourself to trees, plants, earth by taking a walk in the park, going on a bike ride, kayaking, or just sitting in your back yard and listening to the birds singing or watching your pet enjoyment from being out. Do it often, at least 2-3 times a week.
•  Gentle movement, such as yoga, tai-chi, walking, swimming, or dancing. Plenty of research showed that physical movement changes our brain chemistry through increasing release of endorphins and reversing stress-induced decreases in Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF) expression; both of them counter the effects of stress on the nervous system and brain. In addition, exercise helps regulate secretion of cortisol (stress hormone) both in short- and long-term. So, if you are feeling blah or anxious and don’t know what to do, make a choice in favor of an exercise class, a run, walk, swim, or any other movement type that appeals to you. 
•   Playful creativity, such as doodling, coloring, using clay, crafts, etc. Those kinds of activities create a
  
  state of mindfulness and bring you into the present moment, allowing you to be fully present, which in turn reduces stress and increases enjoyment. Additional helpful effect of creative engagement is that it can help you both express and process feelings that may not be reachable with words.

     In conclusion, no matter what you do remember to give yourself a break and be compassionate. Practicing self-compassion meditation may really help with improving your ability to call on this state when you need it the most. And, self-compassion not only helps you but it helps those around you through modeling a great alternative to violent response. If each and every one of us could live in self-compassion, we will not be dealing with a wave of violence today. May you be kind to yourself each and every moment of the day!

Use of prayer in healing from trauma

I know…I know… Not everyone believes in God… Not everyone likes God… You do NOT have to believe in God or like God in order to use prayer and benefit from it on your healing journey. I mean it! Please, keep reading. No matter what spiritual path you are on, you can facilitate your healing through the daily or regular use of prayer.

Here is one of the definitions of prayer provided by the Merriam-Webster dictionary: “An earnest request or wish”. Here is another definition that I really like: “A solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship” (http://www.oxforddictionaries.com). Here is an interesting idea, make your object of worship anything that works for you. It could be a tree in your backyard or Universe or energy field or your intuition or some real or imaginary

community or Spirit or your Ancestors or….

Our modern psychological and medical science has accumulated an abundance of data showing that practices of prayer, especially the ones that include gratitude, can help in healing of multiple physical and emotional ailments.

When it comes to specifically healing from trauma, I am a proponent of positive affirmative prayer, which includes the following steps:

1.       Positive affirmations of your choosing that are worded in the present tense and as a positive statements about you. They can range from “I am vibrant, whole, and  healthy now” (no appeal to any deity) to “I am healed through God’s Divine love and wisdom” (God is recognized)

2.       Expressions of gratitude for things or changes that you would like to see in your life. It is upfront thanks, meaning that you express gratitude BEFORE your wish is granted. Many spiritual teachers believe in the POWER of gratitude. Rhonda Byrne, a New Thought author, goes as far as saying that “gratitude is the great multiplier” referring to the observation that things you regularly express gratitude for tend to manifest in your life.

3.       Quiet meditation/reflection time. Taking 5-10 min to focus on your breath or mantra (repetition of a word, using it as an anchor, word has to carry positive meaning). Some examples of mantras include: Love, gratitude, om, here now, calm, peace. Bringing your focus to mantra or breath over and over and over again when you notice that you got distracted.

From the perspective of neuroscience, this kind of regular practice leads to shifting brain’s natural negative bias into the new positive vision, establishing new neuronal pathways, calming amygdala (brain’s center of negative emotion processing, over-active in trauma survivors), restructuring negative core believes (so common in trauma survivors).

From my clinical experience, when you take time out of your day on the regular basis to align with the deepest and most sacred part of yourself, you set priorities for your conscious and unconscious mind. You consistently send signals to your brain (for those science types) or your soul (for those spiritual types) of what is the most important in your life right now and what your mind-body-spirit system needs to focus on.

Of course, for those healing from trauma, I suggest that you focus on healing, releasing the past, and moving forward into the life you envision for yourself.

If you would like some more help in establishing affirmative prayer practice, you can read: “Handbook of Positive Prayer” by Hypatia Hasbrouck. Also, there is an excellent resource for prayer support available to any person of any spiritual belief or lack thereof. It is called Silent Unity, the 24/7 prayer ministry. You can call 1-800-NOW-PRAY (669-7729) and a trained prayer associate will pray with you and for you (or your loved one) and will suggest a prayer that you can use for your particular situation. Alternatively, you can submit your prayer request online at http://www.unity.org/prayer  or use UPray app on your smart phone. Once your submit your prayer request, it is put into the Silent Unity Prayer Vigil Chapel, where prayer has been going on non-stop, 24/7 for 125 years.

Parts that don’t want to change

     We all have parts in our psyche that DO NOT WANT to change, that seem to be set on sabotaging every constructive move we make, and on criticizing every tiny misstep on our way to the goal. These parts can behave as real villains and cause us to feel angry, disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, and hopeless. Sometimes it may seem that 'evil parts' just enjoy stirring up internal wars and conflicts. I would like to give a few examples of the kinds of parts I am talking about.

     Lina, a 35 year-old successful lawyer, loving mother, and devoted wife, came to see me, because she felt very down and depressed. She did not understand why she felt so sad and fatigued, because her life was very good. When we started exploring different parts that were active in Lina’s life, we identified a very critical part that was beating Lina up 24/7 and a very young vulnerable part that was extremely wounded by all those criticisms, and as a result felt very sad and ashamed. Critical part kept telling Lina that she is no good and would never be able to get out of the black hole, therefore preventing her from doing things she knew would be helpful, such as exercise or meditation or talking to others about her feelings.

     Some other examples include parts that push people to abuse drugs and alcohol, parts that starve folks or push them to overeat, parts that tell individuals to kill themselves or kill someone else. All these parts seem to resist and undermine any positive action towards healing. No wonder that we often feel frustrated and angry at those parts. It is understandable that we want to kick them out of our systems. However, the more we fight those parts internally, the meaner and more powerful they get. Are we doomed then to be miserable forever? Not at all!

      Internal Family Systems approach suggests that all parts of our psyche, even “the most evil ones”, have positive intentions and are trying to help us in some way. Their behaviors maybe counterproductive, because they act on the basis of past information or out of fear, they may be stuck in the past, or they may be so young that it is difficult for them to make mature choices.

     Once we understand that the parts have our best interests in mind, we can find our way to their hearts and solicit their cooperation. The technology of working with those parts that I describe below may seem weird or even crazy in the beginning. Do not be quick to judge though. Give it some consideration. Try it out and see what happens. Here are the steps:

1.      Identify a “villain” part
It helps to notice what you experience in your body, when a problematic behavior/response occurs. Breathe into those bodily sensations and see what images, memories, thoughts, believes, or feelings arise. Those are different characteristics of the part. Ask the part how it would like to be referred to. If the part does not know, give it some tentative label, preferably not negative.

2.      Stop treating part as a criminal
Now that you know that the interfering part has positive intentions towards you (just trust this one assertion of the Internal Family Systems approach), look at it from this angle. Tell it that you know it is trying to help.

3.      Befriend the part
Find something about the part that you like. May be your critical part sometimes gives you helpful advice or may be it got you out of mess in the past or may be you can see that it really cares. Once you find something likeable about the part, tell it. Appreciate it as much and as often as you can and preferably WITHOUT any agenda.

4.      Get to know the part
Find a place of non-judgmental curiosity within you. From that place, ask the part what is its job in your system, what is it afraid of, what is it trying to protect you from, how old is it. Be patient. Give part space, time, and attention. As your part communicates to you in words, images, feelings, or body sensations, LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT. Tell it that you hear what it is saying to you. WORK HARD if needed to really understand where the part is coming from. Communicate your understanding to the part.


5.      Find compassion for the part
As you go through the steps outlined above, you may notice that your reactions to the part, as well as your perception of it, transform. You may find compassion, empathy, tenderness, connection, love and other affectionate feelings towards it. If this is the case, express those freely. Let the part bask in the light of your love. HOWEVER, if your feelings towards the part have not changed, ask other parts to step back and give you space to be with the part. Once every other part steps back, you will notice compassion and openness towards the part in focus.

6.      Ask the part what it needs from you
No matter what the part tells you, validate its needs. Even if those seem like unreasonable demands, even if there is nothing you can do to meet them, tell the part that you hear and respect what it needs. Talk to the part about your desire to meet the need and any constraints you might have. If you can meet the part’s need, by all means do.

     Repeat  steps 3 through 6 as often as possible, preferably on the daily basis, for a few weeks. Notice how this transforms your relationship with the “evil” part. Once you have a consistent connection with the part, you may learn that the part is willing to cooperate with you. Negotiate with the part, explore the room for wiggle and growth. Appreciate any concessions the part is willing to make, no matter how minimal.

     In the process of getting to know your problematic part, you may find that it is protecting some vulnerable wounded side of you. If this is the case, the protected part will need to be helped. HOWEVER, the steps of helping the traumatized part should be taken with the help of the professional. Find an IFS therapist in your community and work with them on alleviating pain of the young traumatized parts. Here is the link to the national directory of IFS therapists: http://www.selfleadership.org/find-an-ifs-therapist.html

     To illustrate the aforementioned steps we will look at two different parts of two different individuals. Remember Lina I talked about in the beginning of this post? Once we identified Lina’s critical part, we worked on befriending her. In the process we learned that it was a 10-year-old part that took on protective role, because Lina was repeatedly and consistently hurt by both of her parents. They criticized her every imperfection and every tiny misstep, and often beat her “to teach a lesson”. So, the Critical part took on a job of protecting Lina from parental criticisms and beatings by whipping her internally in shape. The part reasoned that if Lina was more perfect, she would not be in trouble anymore. Lina was able to understand where the part was coming from and change her perception of the part. With time, she even developed fondness for the Critic. She kindly and patiently coached the part on the ways to provide constructive and helpful feedback. The part was a very good learner, and she transformed her ways of treating Lina very quickly. The true liberation though came after we helped younger sad and ashamed part of Lina that Critic was protecting.

     Another example is from my own life. I have a part that is addicted to sugar. She constantly pushes me to eat desserts. In the past, left unchecked my Sugarholic part fed me cakes and pastries for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. What is even worse, is that I did not want to eat any whole real food, when I was so hooked on sugar. I worked very hard to abstain from sweets through willpower, through shaming and blaming this part, and trying to push it out of my system. Any temporary success has always been followed by triumphant sugar binges. My sugar consumption was getting more and more out of control. Finally, in January 2014, I stopped fighting my Sugarholic part. I welcomed it into my system as an equal partner, who has the same right to be in me as any of my favorite intelligent and compassionate parts. I spent hours listening to this part and appreciating it. I understood that Sugarholic part had very valid reasons for behaving the way it did. This part protected sad lonely girl, who felt unloved and misunderstood. Once Sugarholic came to trust me, she let me connect with the sad girl in me directly. I have been able to show the girl my love and my compassion. The girl has been healing slowly but surely. Now, when I experience sugar craving, I stop and talk to both Sugarholic and Sad Girl. I give them love and compassion, and they relax and make it possible for me to abstain from sweets.


    Working with my own and other people’s parts, I learned that there are no bad and evil monsters in human psyche. If welcomed and loved, any misguided and wounded part would eventually transform and become a helpful prosocial member of the Internal community. Happy connecting with your internal “demons”! Please, ask questions and comment. This is not an easy process. Any and all experiences are welcome.