It takes a village ... to heal a person

   

 I have been reflecting lately on how lonely we often feel on our healing journeys. When we have made a commitment to the path of recovery, we need to work hard.  Often we deal not only with the continued symptoms and pains of both past and present but also with the lack of understanding the folks, who surround us. How often did you hear things like “I don’t get it”, or “You just need to move on”, or “You should be over it by now”? When we have to work on ourselves and justify this work to others, healing becomes an insurmountable task. We really need support, validation, and understanding from the other human beings in order to heal from past traumas, especially those that have been inflicted on us by people. So, is it then a hopeless enterprise to seek support? Not necessarily. Here is what I understand about this whole issue.

     We often emerge from a trauma with our trust in human beings and humanity shattered to pieces. We have been hurt by others to such a profound extent that it is very difficult to believe into a possibility of care and support. So, we are very quick to either push others away or let them rescue us. Neither one of those scenarios is conducive to healing. So, in order to be open to healthy support, we need to first learn how to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for our own issues. When we can truly say that our pain belongs to us and us only even though it is unfair and we didn’t ask for it, only then we can seek out and attract the right kinds of people into our lives.

     Next, we sometimes find ourselves surrounded by those who do not understand us. Maybe our family and friends have never experienced trauma in their lives, or lack empathy, or maybe they participated in inflicting our traumas on us. If this is the case, STOP trying to change them and STOP seeking support regarding your healing from them. Instead work on developing and maintaining boundaries that are good for you. For example, stop talking to them about your pain and symptoms if all you hear back is “what is wrong with you” and “why can’t you get over it?” If they try to bring up this issue, explain to them that this topic is off the table for right now or forever. Inform them that if they truly want to help, they need to stop interfering with your healing process and focus on their own issues. It may sound as too rough of an approach, but you will be better off if you stop the spread of toxic attention and interaction. Some of the folks around us, no matter how well-meaning or willing, just are not capable of providing us with the right kind of support. So, why waste yours and theirs time and energy? No need to blame yourself or those around you. You just need something that another person does not have. Would you go to a bakery if you need your car repaired? With this being said, you don’t need to kick another person out of your life. See if you can find common points and interests and just focus on those.

     After you let go off your desire to change another person, you can take the next step, which is SEARCHING for the supportive environments, communities, and people.  Reflect on your needs and desires. Maybe you have wanted to dance in the past? Maybe you found painting to be a relaxing and calming activity? Maybe you always loved spending time in nature? Research those things in your area. Find a class, join a club. Get to know people, who have interests similar to yours. You don’t have to tell others about all of your traumas and issues, to feel their support. Dancing with someone or sharing a love of art with them maybe very healing and supportive.

     On a deeper level, seek out other trauma survivors. Look for those people, who are ready and willing to work on healing themselves. Research online communities, local support groups, and local mental health resources. Consider joining a therapy group. You might be in individual therapy already, which is great and very important. However, do not underestimate the power of a group. When trauma survivors get together with a trauma-informed therapist, who can guide them, a lot of positive healing energy is generated. It becomes a little therapeutic community that is larger than oneself and that one can rely on for help in getting better. In a therapy group you can often learn more about trauma and its impact on mind-body-spirit, ways to cope with trauma-related symptoms, different approaches to treatment and so forth. You can also process some of your pain in the supportive and understanding environment. You can also help others accomplish all of those things.

     In my practice I will be starting new Healing trauma therapy group in March-April 2014. This group will focus on helping people who continue to be affected in their present by any traumas in their past. Trauma will be defined broadly as any out of normal range life experiences that left a person feeling afraid for their life or safety, for the life or safety of someone close to them or betrayed by someone important.  For more details, please, see: http://www.dr-irina.com/GroupTherapy.en.html   

      According to the   Nigerian proverb, it takes a village to raise a child. I believe it takes a village to heal a trauma survivor. Fortunately, we have a lot of choices  in who to associate with and what environments to live and work in. Given that our environments shape us and our behavior, it makes a lot of sense to spend time and energy seeking out those that support us and our goals. Enjoy building and strengthening your village. Share your thoughts and experiences J