Is self-care indulgent?

     Time and time again I was asked by many of my clients whether it is selfish to engage in self-care. Are we not supposed to focus on others in our lives before we focus on ourselves? Maybe we need to leave a task of caring for ourselves to our family and friends? Maybe we do not deserve to be cared for at all?

      So, let us look at all of those questions and really contemplate the issue. I have struggled with those questions a lot myself on both personal and professional levels. I am going to share my current perspective on it.

     What is self-care? There are many definitions out there. For example, here is the part of the World Health Organization’s definition: “"Self Care in health refers to the activities individuals, families and communities undertake with the intention of enhancing health, preventing disease, limiting illness, and restoring health.”  When mental health professionals talk about self-care, they may refer to the basic ability of an individual to take care of the daily tasks of living, such as grooming and feeding self. When I use the word “self-care”, I refer to the individual’s ability to fully recognize their physical, emotional, social, and spiritual needs and to take full responsibility on him/herself for meeting those needs. So, in my mind anyone, including myself, deserves to be taken care of. However, in my mind it is also my responsibility to identify my needs and find ways of meeting them that do not interfere with other people’s lives and well-being. This is where it gets sticky for me. So, when I take time out of my evening to go to a yoga class, does it interfere with my daughter’s well-being? I could be staying home cooking for her, talking to her, helping her with her homework, right?

     This is what I found through my personal and clinical experiences. When an individual has self-care as their last priority or not a priority at all, they tend to feel stressed a lot and unable to manage their stress. They also accumulate resentment towards those they are taking care of. Throughout the years of making choices to put others first, folks tend to develop their own physical and mental health issues that often get ignored, because “there is no time” and because “it is selfish”. So, in my office I often see someone, who has been selfless and focused on pleasing others, and is very unhappy with his/her life and struggling with mental and physical health. In addition, family and friends of those individuals often develop a belief that it is this person’s job to take care of them and, as a result, stop taking care of themselves relying on their “caretaker” to make their food, medical appointments, and remind them of important events. 

     Often, “caretakers” cite religion or culture to justify what they are doing in their lives. After all, did not Jesus teach us to be selfless and focused on charity and serving others? Buddha and Mohammed supposedly did the same. I am no religious scholar, but I have some basic knowledge of the history of religion. Let’s look at some interesting verses from the sacred texts and quotes I have found.  I will start with the Bible. In  1 Corinthians 6:19-20, we read: “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” and in 1 Corinthians 3:16: “Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?” If you are a God’s temple and God’s spirit dwells in you, do you think God would like you to neglect your body and spirit or would he like you to take the best care possible of yourself?

    In Islam there is also focus on taking good care of oneself and one’s body and very specific guidelines provided in Quran for doing that. I have found widely cited quote “the Prophet said: 'Be keen to do what is beneficial to you'.  Dr. Shahid Athar in his article “Health Guidelines From Quran And Sunnah” writes:

In summary, our healthy body is a gift from God. We are the trustees. We should not misuse it, nor provide wrong raw products for the factory and we should keep superb maintenance of this delicate and sensitive machine, in order to enjoy it. It is the container of our soul.

     In Buddhism there is a lot of focus on love and compassion. Here is what Thich Nhat Hanh, a beloved Buddhist monk and writer says on the topic:

 Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truly a practice. [Shambhala Sun March 2006 ].

One of the core Buddhist practices is Metta, or Loving-Kindness meditation, which focuses on generating love and compassion for oneself and then extending it to others.

     What about modern American culture? Well, there is a lot of focus on consuming, indulging, and having. However, this has nothing to do with self-care. Self-care is about health and well-being. Self-indulgence is about being disconnected from oneself and others. I will focus more on this topic in the next post. Many of us also like talking about being selfish and no one likes to be labeled as one. Now let’s think together. When your partner or a friend or a colleague labels you as “selfish”, because you don’t want to give them more, are they being selfless?

     So, I asked earlier in this post, “when I take time out of my evening to go to a yoga class, does it interfere with my daughter’s well-being?” Having tried both, going to a class and staying home instead of going, today my response to this question is “No”. When I go to a yoga class in the evening, I spend time focusing on my body, mind, and spirit in a very positive way. I come back home fully nourished and happy. I am glad to see my daughter and talk to her. I am available without resentment to take care of her needs. I am also modeling for her how to take good care of herself and her health, as well as giving her permission to do the same. In my mind, the world just got a happy person, who is spreading positive energy around. And, everyone wins.

     Please, post your comments. I am especially interested in knowing whether you think of self-care as an indulgence and why.