How to care for self – PART 2

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     It has been more than a month since the post on caring for the physical body. I hope you remembered to repeat to yourself daily something like “I AM WORTHY CARING FOR”. If you did, I also hope you have started noticing a change in self-attitude. This post is the continuation of the previous one and builds up on the information and practices you learned in August. So, if you did not read the previous post, I suggest you stop here and go read Part 1 first. 

     We will be talking about caring for your emotional self today. Many of us never think to do anything special for this side until we get depressed or anxious or develop an anger management problem. Then we are forced to focus on our emotions whether we like it or not. However, we can prevent many mental health problems from developing in the first place, if we take good care of our emotional side. For those, who already developed mental health problems, emotional self-care is a must and for those recovering from trauma, emotional self-care should be a major focus.

     Our feelings are powerful messengers that tell us how our environment, including other people, is impacting us. When someone violates our boundaries, we tend to feel angry. When we lose something or someone, we tend to feel sad. When we make a mistake, we feel guilty. When we are emotionally healthy, we can rely on our emotions to give us important information about what is going on. So, one way to take care of yourself is to identify a feeling when it arises, get information out of it, and let it run its course.

     When we are stressed out or emotionally unwell the aforementioned recommendation does not work as well. We need different tools to deal with our feelings, because at this point they carry not only information about our current external world but are contaminated by many other past feelings we did not recognize and process in time, as well as past and present information about our internal world. So, it is way more complicated now. I am going to outline one of the possible approaches to understanding and expressing your emotions in this kind of situation. It is not the only approach and it does not work for everyone. However, in order to figure out whether it works for you, you need to give it a full try.

   When our emotions get intense and feel out of control, the FIRST STEP is to identify and acknowledge how we are feeling in the moment. Denying it and trying to push it away is like fighting a huge ocean wave. All this fighting is going to do is knock you over.  So, take a moment and focus inward, name your feeling. For example, “I am experiencing anger” or “I am feeling overwhelmed”.

     The SECOND STEP is to reassure yourself that IT’S OK TO FEEL THIS WAY. No matter how you feel in this very moment, there is a reason for it. The reason may be hidden from your sight right now or it may be far in the past and not related to the current situation, but it is there. The best you can do in the moment is to trust that the reason will reveal itself, if you are willing to be patient and accepting of your feelings.

     People often confuse feelings with behaviors and actions. I want to be really clear here. It is OK to feel whatever you are feeling in the moment, be it furious anger or deepest possible sadness. However, it is not OK to express your feelings by hurting others or yourself. Often people will say anger is a bad emotion because it hurts others. That is NOT true. Anger does not hurt anyone, choices that some people make when they are angry and behaviors they engage in may be hurtful. Anger is just a feeling.

     Let me give you an example. When I am driving on the interstate with the speed limit of 70 and there is a car in front of me in the left lane going 60, I feel annoyed. When this car keeps going at this speed and not letting me through for a while, I start feeling angry. Now, I really feel my anger. Does it hurt a driver in the front car?  Not really. They have no idea how I am feeling. Back to me, I identified that I feel angry and now I have multiple choices as to how to express my anger. I can do deep breathing and let it go. I can tell myself it is stupid and that I should not feel this way and suppress it. I can curse and yell inside my car.  I can beep or blink my lights at the car in the front. I can also choose to tailgate this car and when I have an opportunity to pass it, cut in front of it and push my brakes. I can flip the driver passing by. Or, if I really want to take it to the extreme level, I can follow them and engage in physical or verbal fight, when I get a chance. Same feeling, but very different behaviors and outcomes. Very often we do not have control over what we feel, but we always have control over our behavior and choices that we are making.  Now, can you tell yourself that it is OK to feel what you are feeling?

     THIRD STEP is find a way to express this feeling without hurting yourself or anyone else. Here is where you might need multiple tools and ideas of how to express your emotions in a safe way. Let me reassure you there are a lot of safe positive choices. You can talk to a trusted person about your feelings. You can journal about them. You can use art, such as drawing, painting, sculpting, writing poetry, making a craft project, etc. You can sing. You can use movement to express your feelings. For example, anger is often expressed well through vigorous physical activity, such as running or weight lifting. Anxiety often calls for a walk or a yoga session.  

     FOURTH STEP comes after you feel less intense. Now you can reflect on what the feeling is about. Does it have to do with the present? Is there any part of it that feels as over-reaction or inappropriate response to the current situation? If your answer is yes, what does this feeling remind you of in the past? Who is it addressed to? 

     FIFTH STEP is making a decision about ways to deal with this feeling. Do you need to communicate it to anyone from your present or past? Does anything have to change? Or was it a fleeting response, and you can let go off it now?  If you decide that it is important to let the person, who contributed to this feeling, know about your response, remember to use I-statements and not blame him or her for your feelings. For example, “When you consistently leave dirty dishes on the counter, I feel irritated and disrespected, I would prefer you rinsed them and put in the dishwasher” or “I felt hurt, when I learned from Bill that you shared my secret with him. I would like to understand why you did it.”

     Another important emotional need that we all have is a need to be soothed, when we encounter painful situations. Remember, when you were five and scratched your knee? Your first impulse might have been to run to one of your parents crying. And if you had a good enough parent, they most likely gave you a hug, empathized with your pain in some form and reassured you that you will be ok. As adults, we need to know how to do it for ourselves. We often get in trouble emotionally, when we respond to painful situations by blaming ourselves and internally treating ourselves like a harsh and critical parent. We may say things like, “you are a failure”, “what’s wrong with you?”, “it’s your fault”, “if only you did A, things would be different”. Those kinds of responses only increase our pain and make us feel even worse about ourselves. Compare them to “I am sorry you are in pain”, “Everyone makes mistakes”, “How can I help?”. SO, the way you talk to yourself in those critical situations, makes a big difference in how you feel.  Imagine treating yourself the way you treat your child or a dear friend, when they fall down. Tend to your needs in the present moment. What will feel good right now? A cup of hot tea or warm milk? A reassuring pat on the shoulder? A warm bath? Reading a book while wrapped up in a warm blanket? Patting your cat or dog? Saying to yourself “I love you no matter what” or “you are a good person in spite of what happened”?  You will have opportunity to evaluate situation and learn from it once you feel better.

     If you would like to learn more about your emotions and emotional needs, I suggest using five minute meditation practice described in Part I. Instead of focusing on your body sensations, focus on your feelings. Do it for one to two weeks and journal about your experiences. In two weeks, sit down and read your entries. Is there a common theme? Would you like to change how you attend to your emotional self in any way based on your discoveries?

     Very often, when our emotions get intense and out of control, it is because we have been neglecting or suppressing our feelings for a while. Maybe we did not let ourselves to experience and express pain associated with divorce, or childhood abuse, or loss of mother. We often stuff our feelings in the internal box, close the lid, and pretend they never existed or went away. With time the box gets overly full and feelings start escaping from it, leaking into all the different areas of our lives. We snap at our loved ones, who have nothing to do with our past, or cry uncontrollably, or start drinking heavily, or get depressed, or experience panic attacks. If you are at this point, it may mean you need some professional help. I suggest seeking licensed mental health professional, who can help you learn to manage current feelings and deal with the past ones.

     As a conclusion, when we tend to our emotions and our needs on the regular basis, our feelings are balanced for the most part. They also serve as valuable information sources and guides. However, when we deny or neglect them, they tend to become intense and confusing. They often continue escalating until we finally agree to pay attention and do something about them. As always,  I am interested in your reflections, comments, and questions.