Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Parts that don’t want to change



     We all have parts in our psyche that DO NOT WANT to change, that seem to be set on sabotaging every constructive move we make, and on criticizing every tiny misstep on our way to the goal. These parts can behave as real villains and cause us to feel angry, disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, and hopeless. Sometimes it may seem that 'evil parts' just enjoy stirring up internal wars and conflicts. I would like to give a few examples of the kinds of parts I am talking about.
     Lina, a 35 year-old successful lawyer, loving mother, and devoted wife, came to see me, because she felt very down and depressed. She did not understand why she felt so sad and fatigued, because her life was very good. When we started exploring different parts that were active in Lina’s life, we identified a very critical part that was beating Lina up 24/7 and a very young vulnerable part that was extremely wounded by all those criticisms, and as a result felt very sad and ashamed. Critical part kept telling Lina that she is no good and would never be able to get out of the black hole, therefore preventing her from doing things she knew would be helpful, such as exercise or meditation or talking to others about her feelings.
     Some other examples include parts that push people to abuse drugs and alcohol, parts that starve folks or push them to overeat, parts that tell individuals to kill themselves or kill someone else. All these parts seem to resist and undermine any positive action towards healing. No wonder that we often feel frustrated and angry at those parts. It is understandable that we want to kick them out of our systems. However, the more we fight those parts internally, the meaner and more powerful they get. Are we doomed then to be miserable forever? Not at all!
      Internal Family Systems approach suggests that all parts of our psyche, even “the most evil ones”, have positive intentions and are trying to help us in some way. Their behaviors maybe counterproductive, because they act on the basis of past information or out of fear, they may be stuck in the past, or they may be so young that it is difficult for them to make mature choices.
     Once we understand that the parts have our best interests in mind, we can find our way to their hearts and solicit their cooperation. The technology of working with those parts that I describe below may seem weird or even crazy in the beginning. Do not be quick to judge though. Give it some consideration. Try it out and see what happens. Here are the steps:

1.      Identify a “villain” part
It helps to notice what you experience in your body, when a problematic behavior/response occurs. Breathe into those bodily sensations and see what images, memories, thoughts, believes, or feelings arise. Those are different characteristics of the part. Ask the part how it would like to be referred to. If the part does not know, give it some tentative label, preferably not negative.

2.      Stop treating part as a criminal
Now that you know that the interfering part has positive intentions towards you (just trust this one assertion of the Internal Family Systems approach), look at it from this angle. Tell it that you know it is trying to help.

3.      Befriend the part
Find something about the part that you like. May be your critical part sometimes gives you helpful advice or may be it got you out of mess in the past or may be you can see that it really cares. Once you find something likeable about the part, tell it. Appreciate it as much and as often as you can and preferably WITHOUT any agenda.

4.      Get to know the part
Find a place of non-judgmental curiosity within you. From that place, ask the part what is its job in your system, what is it afraid of, what is it trying to protect you from, how old is it. Be patient. Give part space, time, and attention. As your part communicates to you in words, images, feelings, or body sensations, LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT. Tell it that you hear what it is saying to you. WORK HARD if needed to really understand where the part is coming from. Communicate your understanding to the part.


5.      Find compassion for the part
As you go through the steps outlined above, you may notice that your reactions to the part, as well as your perception of it, transform. You may find compassion, empathy, tenderness, connection, love and other affectionate feelings towards it. If this is the case, express those freely. Let the part bask in the light of your love. HOWEVER, if your feelings towards the part have not changed, ask other parts to step back and give you space to be with the part. Once every other part steps back, you will notice compassion and openness towards the part in focus.

6.      Ask the part what it needs from you
No matter what the part tells you, validate its needs. Even if those seem like unreasonable demands, even if there is nothing you can do to meet them, tell the part that you hear and respect what it needs. Talk to the part about your desire to meet the need and any constraints you might have. If you can meet the part’s need, by all means do.

     Repeat  steps 3 through 6 as often as possible, preferably on the daily basis, for a few weeks. Notice how this transforms your relationship with the “evil” part. Once you have a consistent connection with the part, you may learn that the part is willing to cooperate with you. Negotiate with the part, explore the room for wiggle and growth. Appreciate any concessions the part is willing to make, no matter how minimal.

     In the process of getting to know your problematic part, you may find that it is protecting some vulnerable wounded side of you. If this is the case, the protected part will need to be helped. HOWEVER, the steps of helping the traumatized part should be taken with the help of the professional. Find an IFS therapist in your community and work with them on alleviating pain of the young traumatized parts. Here is the link to the national directory of IFS therapists: http://www.selfleadership.org/find-an-ifs-therapist.html

     To illustrate the aforementioned steps we will look at two different parts of two different individuals. Remember Lina I talked about in the beginning of this post? Once we identified Lina’s critical part, we worked on befriending her. In the process we learned that it was a 10-year-old part that took on protective role, because Lina was repeatedly and consistently hurt by both of her parents. They criticized her every imperfection and every tiny misstep, and often beat her “to teach a lesson”. So, the Critical part took on a job of protecting Lina from parental criticisms and beatings by whipping her internally in shape. The part reasoned that if Lina was more perfect, she would not be in trouble anymore. Lina was able to understand where the part was coming from and change her perception of the part. With time, she even developed fondness for the Critic. She kindly and patiently coached the part on the ways to provide constructive and helpful feedback. The part was a very good learner, and she transformed her ways of treating Lina very quickly. The true liberation though came after we helped younger sad and ashamed part of Lina that Critic was protecting.

     Another example is from my own life. I have a part that is addicted to sugar. She constantly pushes me to eat desserts. In the past, left unchecked my Sugarholic part fed me cakes and pastries for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. What is even worse, is that I did not want to eat any whole real food, when I was so hooked on sugar. I worked very hard to abstain from sweets through willpower, through shaming and blaming this part, and trying to push it out of my system. Any temporary success has always been followed by triumphant sugar binges. My sugar consumption was getting more and more out of control. Finally, in January 2014, I stopped fighting my Sugarholic part. I welcomed it into my system as an equal partner, who has the same right to be in me as any of my favorite intelligent and compassionate parts. I spent hours listening to this part and appreciating it. I understood that Sugarholic part had very valid reasons for behaving the way it did. This part protected sad lonely girl, who felt unloved and misunderstood. Once Sugarholic came to trust me, she let me connect with the sad girl in me directly. I have been able to show the girl my love and my compassion. The girl has been healing slowly but surely. Now, when I experience sugar craving, I stop and talk to both Sugarholic and Sad Girl. I give them love and compassion, and they relax and make it possible for me to abstain from sweets.


    Working with my own and other people’s parts, I learned that there are no bad and evil monsters in human psyche. If welcomed and loved, any misguided and wounded part would eventually transform and become a helpful prosocial member of the Internal community. Happy connecting with your internal “demons”! Please, ask questions and comment. This is not an easy process. Any and all experiences are welcome.