When something
unimaginable happens, something that should not happen in the context of normal
human life as our culture portrays it, such as our parent or other authority
abuses us, our child commits suicide, we are attacked at the workplace, we witness
a terrorist attack and people dying, we participate in a war, OUR ABILITY TO
FUNCTION GETS OVERWHELMED. In those moments as our minds, bodies, and spirits
are focused on survival and making it through, our ability to take information
in and process is impaired. As a result, we only remember bits and pieces of
what happened and the memories are often not flexible – frozen images of horror
instead of a coherent story.
After we
physically make it through and the traumatic event is over, we are left with
those images of horror and our worldview shattered in pieces. We are supposed
to quickly put it together and move on, right? This is what everyone else is
telling us. But can we really do it? Would any human in our place be capable of
doing it? How do you unsee the face of the attacker or the gun to your head or
the agony of someone dying in pain or your parent hitting or raping you or a
motionless body of a friend who killed himself? How do you persuade yourself
that in spite of what happened yesterday or two month or ten years ago, you are
PERFECTLY safe now and it is not going to happen again? How do you go on living
when your spirit feels broken, you don’t believe in God or good in this world
anymore, and you feel deep despair and depression that weighs so much you
cannot move?
Here is the first
fact about trauma: IT CHANGES a SURVIVOR on all levels of his or her being,
including physical, mental, sprirtual, energetic, and social. A brief, few
minutes-long attack leaves a person shaken to the core, with their adrenals on
overdrive, limbic system of their brain hyperactive, neocortex of the brain
shut down, belief that a world is generally a safe place gone forever, belief
that they are a good person severely damaged, ability to trust others jeopardized,
and belief in Higher Power and Important Purpose feeling like a joke. All of
those are NORMAL reactions to the ABNORMAL SITUATION. Sometimes people believe
that those who are less affected by trauma or not affected at all are stronger
and somehow superior. I STRONGLY DISAGREE with that. It is normal to be deeply
affected by the horror of abuse, mistreatment, and murder. This is what makes
us human!
Unfortunately,
there is very little understanding of trauma and its impact on a survivor on a
cultural level. So, when a deeply shaken survivor comes back to his/her family,
workplace, community, very soon they start experiencing pressure to BE BACK TO
NORMAL. People around them find it very difficult to understand why what
happened is such a big deal and why they cannot just forget about it. People just don’t want to relate, because in
order to relate, you have to put yourself in the survivors shoes and experience
horror through their eyes and to admit to yourself that you could very well be
in their shoes right now and it is only by the draw of luck that you are NOT.
How terrifying! Who would want to do that?
From the lack of
support and understanding comes the secondary traumatization. It stems from the
inability of those around the person, significant others, authority figures,
justice system, organizations, and whole communities to adequately and
supportively respond to the survivor’s needs. Even worse, at times, a person
him or herself maybe blamed for what happened to them, which isolates them even
further and makes possibility of recovery even more slim. When a mother says to
the daughter that was raped, “it is your fault, you should not have gone to
that date” or a wife says to her husband, “What is wrong with you? Why cannot
you just forget about that damn war and be here with us?”, the survivor’s guilt
and shame increase exponentially and their already impaired ability to trust
others becomes further damaged.
There is a wide
spread myth about trauma that time will heal that wound. Nothing can be further
away from truth. Here is another fact about trauma: TRAUMA DOES NOT HAVE AN
EXPIRATION DATE. In fact, if left untreated, it tends to get worse with the
passage of time and accumulation of big and little stresses. It is not unusual
for a person to dust themselves off after the traumatic event and to keep
moving, only to find themselves struggling to function years later or
completely falling apart after some significantly smaller event.
In order to heal
from trauma, which is possible by the way, a survivor has to recognize the
impact it had on his or her life and to give the wounds attention they deserve.
The longer the person waits to address those issues, the more complex the
impact will be and the longer it will take to heal.
Here is an exercise that you may find helpful in unpacking the impact of your specific traumas on your life. Journal about the following question on a number of occasions in the next few weeks. Make sure you: (a) do not spend more than 15 minutes on each journaling session; (b) take very good care of yourself before, during, and after the session; (c) stop right away if you are getting overwhelmed; (d) use relaxing/safe place for a few minutes after each session:
What
are your thoughts about the impact trauma(s) had on you? Think about all of the
following aspects: (1) your believes about yourself, other people, and life in general; (2) your moods and emotions;
(3) your body; (4) your relationships with higher power; (5) your relationships
with other people.
Please, share your thoughts and comments.
