Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Befriending our parts

  In my work with clients I often use a therapy approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS) developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. This approach postulates that human psyche consists of different parts organized around Self. Each part has its own function in the system. Some parts organize and plan our lives. Other parts respond to emergencies, yet other parts deal with difficult emotions and painful experiences. All of the parts also have a goal of protecting Self from ever being hurt. Self is a center and essence of our psyche. It is our life force, our connection to the Universe. In ideal situation, Self leads our psyche by making important decisions in consultation with our parts (you can read more about IFS here: http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html ). However, ideal is not real.
     For folks, who are trauma survivors, Self is often hidden deep inside and one (or several parts in turn) are in charge of behavior, decisions, relational styles, in other words, life.  You might be wondering why this is a problem? When a person gets stuck in one of their parts, they are cut off the resources and experiences contained in other parts and what is even more problematic, they are disconnected from Self, their life force. In these situations one may experience themselves as disconnected, numb, or on contrary completely flooded by certain feeling, such as anxiety or depression. Another example would be shifting back and force between being on top of things, very strict with yourself, busy with multiple responsibilities, not having time for fun and people for weeks or months (managerial part is in charge of life) and then shifting into depressed, almost frozen state, dropping all the responsibilities and staying in bed for days (firefighter part) or shifting from busy mode into being physically sick with multiple pains, fatigue, inflammation, or just infection or cold (firefighter part). When two parts get into opposition with each other, like the one described above, it is called polarization. It is like being on the seesaw, when one part of you cancels activity or decisions made by another part.
     Naturally, we get upset with and critical of ourselves for not being able to change our behavior, thoughts, or feelings. This state of frustration makes the patterns even more engrained. The more frustrated we get, the more stubborn our parts that carry out those unwanted behaviors become. So, is there anything we can do to improve our lives and behaviors? ABSOLUTELY!
     One possible step is scheduling an appointments with an IFS therapist (go here: http://www.selfleadership.org/find-an-ifs-therapist.html  to find an IFS-trained therapist in your area). A professional can help you understand your internal landscape and befriend your different parts, so that they start truly working FOR you and NOT against each other.
     Another step that can be combined with the first one is to get CURIOUS about your internal parts while working on being COMPASSIONATE towards and UNDERSTANDING of them. All of our parts, even most hideous ones, have our best interests in mind and want us to be safe and well. For example, a part that wants to kill you maybe motivated by a desire to soothe your pain and this is the only way it knows of dealing with severe and chronic pain. A part that constantly shames and blames you for every breath or lack thereof may be motivated by a fear of rejection and may want you to be accepted by others.  And again, this may be the only method it is familiar with, because this is how your mother (father, teacher, older sister…) treated you growing up. These parts may also be very young. Almost always they are isolated and alone and do not have support they need to carry out their jobs. Therefore by turning your LOVING ATTENTION towards them you are starting to build relationship of understanding and support with your parts. You might be surprised how much transformation can happen just from taking 5-10 minutes a day to listen to your parts from your caring core. You do not have to agree or disagree, to argue, or evaluate. Just listen and let the part know you understand what it is saying and that it has the right to feel the way it does. No more no less. If you are willing to give it a try, please use the practice described below on a daily basis for the next ten days and see what happens.

     LISTENING TO YOUR INTERNAL PARTS      
1.                Find a quiet safe place, where you can sit without being disturbed for 10-15 minutes. Bring alarm or stopwatch, a sheet of paper or a journal and a pen with you. Put your alarm to signal the end of your meditation (10-15 minutes out)
2.                Find comfortable seated position. Close your eyes and start focusing on your breathing. Just pay attention to how you breathe in and out without any judgment. Now focus on the internal observer, the one, who has been watching your breath. Give that observe qualities of COMPASSION, WISDOM, and CURIOSITY. Breathe those qualities in.
3.                From this compassionate and curious place, invite your internal part that would like to get some of your attention to step forward. You may have a visual image of that part or you may experience it as a sensation in your body, thought in your mind, or a feeling or all of the above. No matter how vague or defined the part is, focus your compassionate and curious attention on it. If you experience any negative feelings towards this part, such as anger, anxiety, impatience, frustration, sadness, etc., ask the part that carries the feeling to step aside for a few moments so that you can focus from the core of compassion and curiosity on the part that asked for attention.
4.                 Let the part that requested your attention know that you are compassionate and curious towards it and see what it would like to share with you. Our parts may share through sensations in our body, visual images, thoughts, or verbal messages (as an internal voice). No matter what mode this part chose, let it know that you hear the message and thank it for sharing. Again, you don’t need to agree or disagree with the part. Just listen and understand.
5.                When the part is done sharing and if there is still time left, invite next part to step forward. And then go through the process of listening to this new part from the compassionate and curious place again.
6.                When your alarm goes off, thank all of the parts that talked to you for sharing. Send appreciation to each and every part of your internal system and your system as a whole.
Now, take 5 minutes or so to record what you heard from different parts of you.
 

     There is something very liberating in the practice of listening to the parts. For me personally, once I was able to identify that constant critical voice in my mind as a part of me AS OPPOSED to ALL of me, I very quickly learned to take those messages it with a grain of salt. I understood on a very deep level that those criticisms are just a perspective of a rather young wounded part and NOT true undeniable facts. I have seen many people that I work with benefit greatly from listening to their parts on the regular basis. If you decide to give it a try, please, comment on what your experience with it has been like or message me with questions and concerns.